The past day or so, I’ve really been thinking about why I’ve been unsuccessful for years with my weight loss goals. I’ve tried every diet you’ve heard of (and probably some you haven’t), and I’ve never made it past a month or two. It’s not the diet’s fault – the common denominator is me. These diets, some of which are “the popular thing to do,” just do not work for me. Before something can work for me, I need to be ready to be successful. The problem with all of these diets is that I get thrust into “perfection” and am told that I need to do a complete 180 overnight and have a new relationship with food. But here’s the real truth: If I don’t fix me first, nothing will actually work. Before you put a band-aid on, do you clean the wound? Same principle.

I had a few days off from the craziness of work, so I really put a lot of thought into my food habits this week. My husband (“J”) and I had a day off together and decided to go to a local vineyard and lavender farm. What better way to clear my mind? It was in this experience that I really started to think about my relationship with food, and I came to a bit of a realization.

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I’ve always loved food. I mean, LOVED food. Like, no one loves food like I do. (OK, I’m done now.) My parents did not have a loving marriage, and so, my mother cooked and ate to feel better. And I cooked and ate with her. Growing up in a partially Italian family, the food is CRAZY. There is no quick dinner – everything is a production. I don’t blame my parents and my upbringing, but it’s so important to face these truths about ourselves – if you look at your childhood, I guarantee you’ll see that it’s where you established your relationship with food.

My relationship with food has, and continues to be, baaaaaad. I eat when I’m happy (to celebrate), busy/bored (to distract myself), sad (to feel better), overwhelmed (to make myself feel better). I don’t eat because I need nourishment. I watched the weight creep up in college, joined a popular weight loss program, and lost 30 lbs.! It was magical. One year later, all 30 pounds were back. When I was 26-years-old, I met my husband (“J”), and put on TONNNNNNS (pun intended) of “happy fat.” It’s been nine years (WOW) since I’ve been with J and I continue to struggle with weight – and have gained even more.

So where do I go from here? It’s time to take control. I need to get back to the basics. Step before I leap. I need to work on my relationship with food first – otherwise, I can always expect to struggle. So here’s my game plan: Return to my love of cooking; Cook low-calorie and low-fat meals and experiment with new ingredients and new cooking methods. I’m going to do this for a few weeks, without particularly counting calories or anything, but I am going to be mindful of cooking only healthy and health-ful meals. I believe that doing this will help me work on my relationship with food, and will help me learn to be healthy for life.

Truth time: I lost my father last year, to a very long battle with alcoholism; he died at age 65. I don’t have alcoholism, but I am unhealthy with food. I don’t want to die young because of my weight – I want to live a healthy, full, long life with J. It’s that simple. It’s truly not about the scale – it’s about putting good nutrition into your body, and being mindful and loving yourself. Truth time? None of these diets have ever made me mindful and happy – in fact, they’ve made me hate myself for failing over and over again. This is an unpopular post, because you won’t hear about me following any of the popular or fad diets. If you take this journey with you, you’ll read about me learning to have a new relationship with food. You’ll read about me having non-scale victories and stumbles, scale victories and fails … you’ll read about me being mindful and present in my food choices and my life general.

Speaking of mindful – last night J and I poured a glass of red and made a healthy broccoli and cheese quiche. I got this delicious Weight Watchers recipe online here – it was soooo good and filling, and easy. We had it with 35-calorie-a-slice (yay) turkey bacon; it’s a perfect summer night light meal.

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This concludes my long, unpopular post. If you’re reading this, take a deep breath and think of your relationship with food, and find your “why.” I am doing this to live a long, healthy life.